Spouting Off

“Argghh! $%^&* teapot!” I yelled one cold morning. “Stupid teapot. I hate this thing. Never liked it!” There was no time to bother with the spilled water or the badly designed teakettle. As I had attempted to pour boiling water into my mug, I had to tip the kettle very far over. The lid had fallen out and steam poured onto my hand as it gripped the handle right above the opening.

I iced the burn right away, my temper cooling off as the ice chilled my skin. For the rest of the morning, I had to keep ice on it. Every time I stopped, the pain came back as if the skin were continuing to burn.

Once the blasted thing had cooled off, I took the teakettle and lid and threw them into the trash—not the one in the house, the outside trash container. I never wanted to see that misbegotten thing again. I mean really, who designs a kettle with the spout attached up near the top? You practically have to turn the thing upside down to get the water out. And then, why is the handle connected at the top on either side of the lid—a completely removable lid. Is there any safe way to pour all the water out?

 With my hand—the area below my thumb mostly—resting on ice, I began a search on the Internet for the perfect teakettle. I discovered some fascinating teapots—at equally fascinating prices, I might add. And for clarity’s sake, I should explain. A teapot is something you put your tealeaves into. Then you pour hot water into it. A kettle, on the other hand, is for actually putting on the stove to heat the water. That was what I needed.

It really didn’t matter that some teapots were designed with spouts attached at the bottom. I was looking for a kettle.

Every single teakettle I found was badly designed. I just don’t understand it. Are we a society that just puts up with these things, overfilling our kettles so that we never have to pour out the last of the water while it’s hot? I’m reminded of a scene from Kate and Leopold about toasters (once is too light; toast it twice and it burns). Can I help it if I put the exact amount of water I want into the thing? Why waste water, not to mention time and energy to heat up the extra?

You know the amazing thing: coffee pots are better designed. The spout is more often attached at the middle or bottom of the pot. Are coffee drinkers smarter? Why do we put teakettles on the stove and have to plug in coffee pots? (Why are teapot and teakettle one word?) Why are these things labeled coffee pots? They are for heating water, but you plug them in—electric coffee pots—not teapots, not kettles.

Ice still on my thumb, my anger flaring, I drove to a shopping center to see these things in person. I checked the aisles of Target, the ice slowly dripping away. No luck, at least nothing designed to be placed on the stove, filled with water, and then containing some sort of spout or some such for pouring the water out. I did find one thing that  came close: an electric coffee pot. The spout attached at the bottom. The handle attached from the bottom to top of the opposite side. The lid was on a hinge. The only thing “wrong” with it was that it was electric. I couldn’t put it on the stove. And it was shaped like a “coffee pot.” Why a long cylindrical shape is a coffee pot and a short pudgy one is for tea is beyond me. Maybe it comes from days of old when tealeaves sat loosely in the bottom and coffee was pressed from the top.

Running out of ice, I hustled over to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Finding my way, and squeezing through the aisles that are blocked by the presence of half a person, I found the right spot, but no pots—none that fit my needs anyway. They all had spouts too close to the top and handles going right over the lid.

The ice gone, and the burning sensation coming back, I blasted my way back to Target. I’m sure people thought I was rude or crazed or wondered what was wrong with me. The pain in my thumb was becoming unbearable. I don’t know why it is, but it seems that pain from burns is more severe than other things—at least for me. I mean I turned down pain meds in the hospital after my appendectomy. But I’d have gladly taken something to deaden the pain from this burn.

I grabbed a box with an electric coffee pot in it—why isn’t it just called an electric water boiler or something? I mean it is meant only for water. You’re not supposed to ever put coffee in it.

The drive home was agony as I tried to find cold surfaces against which to press my burn. At home, I plunged my hand into a bowl of ice water and sat, breathing in a sigh of relief and staring at my new water-boiler.

I couldn’t help feeling disappointed, as my irrationality sank in. I realized that I had somehow equated buying a new teakettle with the elimination of the burn—or at least the pain. There I sat, in no need of hot water, wondering why I hadn’t just stayed home icing my thumb all morning instead of rushing around.

“What do you need a coffee pot for?” one of my kids asked.

“To boil water.”

They weren’t satisfied. “You could just use the microwave.” I admit that I couldn’t count the times we’ve heated water in the microwave. For a small amount, it somehow seemed quicker.

“Or just boil it in a pot. You’re good a pouring things without spilling.”

I really didn’t need them to be telling me how foolish an unnecessary this whole thing had been.

But I have to tell you, looking back now, I am glad I bought it. The thing works great and it is fast. In fact, it heats water faster than using either the microwave or our gas stove. The only problem I can see is if I want to boil water when there is a power failure and for that I can always use the stove.

So now, I can pour in the exact amount of water I want, grab the handle toward the bottom of the pot, and pour water over my teabag without getting burned.

It works great for making tea for myself, but when I need to make an entire pot—well, guess I’ll have to starting looking for that perfect teapot. Maybe it will be one meant for coffee.